Several years ago, I had a realization about my quest for personal peace. I was working in a demanding job in an impossible situation. Being goal directed, I was working to achieve specific things. This tendency spilled (and still spills) over into my personal life. While goal setting is a good way to motivate, and a good way to achieve results at work, I took things a step further. Instead of just working towards goals, I made my peace and happiness dependent upon future outcomes.
This was not saying “I’ll celebrate when I achieve X” it was “I cannot be happy and relaxed until X happens”. The former is looking forward to the goal; the latter is making my wellbeing dependent upon the goal. I noticed this in a formulation of “When I can just…” as in “When I can just get this program making money, THEN I can relax.” “When I can just hire the right person, THEN I can rest.” “When I can just get the kids out of middle school, THEN I can be happy”. What it means is that I cannot relax NOW. Peace and happiness were always put in the far away time of THEN. I am sure you can see the problem.
THEN never becomes NOW, because there is always something else. Have we fixed a program? Well, there are three others that need attention. Did I make the right hire? Great. Now find a replacement for the other person going into retirement. Middle school is over. Now it is high school. Then college or maybe not college. There is always a new goal, a new task, a new worry. If having all tasks and goals and worries settled is the only time I can have peace, then how will it come? Peace and happiness will always be THEN and never NOW.
Today I work to catch myself in this thinking. Whenever I notice myself saying “When I can just ….” I pay attention. It is a sign it is time to seek to live NOW, instead of putting my living off into THEN.
