There is a video going around the internet over the past couple of weeks that has received over 100 million views. It is titled “A Woman’s Love Language is Not Having to Ask.” In it, a stay-at-home mom publicly complains about her husband to the world. Despite working full time to support his family, including doing chores at home, she has decided that he is not doing a good enough job because he has to ask her things like what to cook for dinner or what to pack for the kids.
Far be it from me to judge any couple on how they distribute the workload in their marriage. That is between them. I’ll even bypass the issues with making a video to publicly complain about one’s spouse—those can be topics for another day. This time, I want to comment on the idea that “not having to ask” is a realistic requirement.
Short Answer: It’s not.
Our significant other cannot read our minds. We can easily tell ourselves some version of, “If he or she really loved me, then I wouldn’t have to ask for my needs to be taken care of.” The problem is, no one can actually read another person’s mind. If you want your needs taken care of, you have to tell your partner what those needs are. Sitting back and hoping he or she will just figure it out is poor communication at best and setting yourself up for self-righteous resentment at worst.
If this has been a pattern in your relationship, the best thing to do is talk about it. Recognize that you have the expectation and start working to change it. Explore your needs and find ways to express them to your partner. If it is your partner who expects you to mind-read, calmly explain that you cannot do that—and, most importantly, stop trying. You are adding to your stress and destroying your peace.
