Counseling for Anger Management

Anger is a natural emotion that we all have. Anger is a call to action for us to change our situation. It is normal to be angry. For some of us, anger comes too often, hurting those around us as well as ourselves. Because of how we manage our emotions, anger becomes this default reaction, even when we do not want it. Is your anger hijacking your life?

“Of Course I am angry!”

Self-righteous anger is very seductive. It feels good to be angry when you are treated unjustly. The world is clearly out to get into your way. People are slow to respond. A lot of them are downright stupid. There is always some challenge to your peace, ranging from the lousy driver who cut you off on the road to a loved one nitpicking with you about something you did wrong. You are unappreciated, put down and ignored. Of course you are angry. You have every right to be angry. Look at all the things being done to me. You wonder why the rules are different for you, and why you get treated this way. Anyone facing all this would be angry. Life is not fair and you are not going to take that lying down.

It has become natural to respond with anger. You have a surge of power and energy. The anger is like a high: In the moment, it feels good. It is afterwards you feel bad, with the surge of power gone, and the consequences before you. Like a drug, anger is addictive. Even when you promise yourself you won’t get angry again, you find yourself going off yet again. 

Often (or Always) Feeling Impatient and Irritated

You are trying to have peace but things keep getting in the way. Either everything is going smoothly or you are upset. Other people somehow are just not bothered by the small stuff, but you are. Life is a constant series of problems, often caused by others. If things would just go right, then you would not be irritated. You get called “grumpy” or “irritable” and that is not how you want to be, you just cannot seem to help it. Everything is just wrong and you are angry about it. 

Anger gets your needs met 

What you need is not happening. You are not being heard. Expressing anger is a way to get your needs met. It was one of the earliest ways you learned to get your needs met when you were a child. As an adult, anger is used that way too. Anger bends others to your will. In the short term, things are better. In the long term, you are pushing people away from you. 

You lose relationships by defending yourself 

Other people hurt us, especially those closest to us. When you feel attacked, it is natural to want to fight back. Anger is linked to our defense mode, the Fight or Flight system. Anger is when fighting is the choice. As a human being, you are able to fight in many ways other than just your fists. You get angry and your verbal sword comes out to fight back. Maybe yours is a broadsword you hold in two-hands, slashing away in broad strokes. People know just how angry you are. Or, you might be armed with a dagger, pretending to be fine, all the while making small stabbing attacks with biting words and sarcasm. No matter how you do it, anger is driving your attacks because you feel hurt. This hurts your loved one and it hurts your relationship and your connection. Every attack makes reconciliation harder. Hurting someone in anger to defend yourself drives that person away. You are destroying the relationships you need most in your life. 

“I am out of Control”

At times when you are angry, it feels as if someone or something else is in control. Mr. Hyde has taken over and you say and do things that are not who you want to be. A text or email. Nasty words spill out of your mouth. In my favorite scene in my favorite movie, Casablanca, the hurt (and drunk) Rick Blane says cruel things to Elsa, the woman he loves. His anger, not his love is running his mouth. Anger is not thoughtful, not kind, and has no grace. When anger is in the driver’s seat, you are not yourself. You may even experience a third person sensation, watching yourself but being unable to stop. 

The Blow Up

“The Blow Up” is the volcano erupting from your core. Usually, this anger is out of proportion to the provocation. It is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Your anger takes control of you. You yell, shout, and scream. The energy makes you feel at once powerful and possessed by anger. At that moment, you are not thinking of long-term consequences. It is a time of saying and doing things you will later regret. It is frightening to think about how much emotional and relationship damage done in a few moments of rage. 

This eruption of anger has the most immediate consequences. Yelling, screaming, demeaning, and the other actions you take when you blow up devastates relationships. Doing this at work may well derail your career. Your reputation is that you are difficult to be around, and it is well earned. Subordinates lose respect for you and only follow out of fear. Peers seek to avoid you and your superiors have less confidence in you. It may result in your termination. 

The effects on family and friends are even worse. The people who love you bear the brunt of your rage. Your anger is scary, even if it is never physical. Your anger cannot be placated in the moment and leaves fear and sadness in its wake. Your anger makes you unpredictable and uncomfortable to be around. The more common the blow up, the worse it is. 

Violence and Abuse

The scariest thing about anger is the potential for violence. When we think about violence our minds jump to striking another human being. Physical attacks are the worst form of violence, but they are not the only ones. Verbal abuse can be common for people with anger issues. Belittling or demeaning another is a form of emotional and verbal abuse. These attacks from a loved one are especially deeply wounding. Children experiencing this regularly will struggle to feel safe in their own home. Just because you do not hit someone does not mean they are not hurt. 

Physical violence is not just hitting others. Throwing objects, punching walls, breaking things are all types of physical violence. This is terrifying to witness. It is also dangerous. You can destroy expensive property or break a hand punching a wall. Striking an animal or a human being in anger is the worst form of physical violence and are automatically crimes. 

How do we fix this? 

Does any or all of these look like your relationship with anger? If so, there is something you and I can do together. Often, people struggling with anger come to me for therapy, because they are seeing their relationships crumble. 

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion to a deeper reaction. Perhaps the most classic example is the teenager who is home late with no word. The parent is anxious, afraid, maybe even terrified. By the time their teen is home, they have worked themselves up. Now the teen gets home and is safe. All that fear turns to anger. The anger comes after the terror. 

We will work on new skills and strategies to manage your anger day to day. It is important to work towards managing the impact your anger has on your life. We will go beyond anger management, however, because no matter how well you manage your anger, you are still getting angry. It is far better to spend less of your life angry in the first place.

We will explore your individual past and how you became who you are. You have built coping skills to give you a sense of power, a sense of place, and a sense of value. I will help you understand how these skills have worked for you in the past to get you to today. Displaying anger has worked for you in the past, but no longer works as well for you today. We will explore the feelings behind your anger. By knowing your deeper feelings, you develop other ways to get your needs met.

We will look into your sense of security, sense of place, and sense of meaning. Understanding and connecting with the underlying feelings will allow you to address those feelings directly. We will connect to the deeper parts of you. I know this journey well, because it is a path I have walked personally. 

None of this is going to be easy. I will be uncomfortable. Confronting the things that make us angry is difficult. You have used anger to feel powerful. Working together, we will dive into feelings that may make you feel powerless. You will not have to do this alone. I will be with you to keep you safe. As your therapist, I am there as a guide. I am not part of your family. I am not a friend. I stand outside your day to day life. You will have the opportunity to be open, vulnerable, and scared with me in a place with no moral condemnation, no castigation of weakness, and no judgment for anger. I understand where you are because anger has been a companion my whole life. I know what it is like to be asked to turn and face it. I also know the peace that brings.

What does “better” look like?

The goal of dealing with your anger is to move from anger management to addressing its causes. We do not want to just help you manage, but for you to not be angry as often in the first place. By understanding the drivers below your anger, you have the option to be in the driver’s seat more of the time. Remember, anger is a proper function of your brain to protect you of danger. We are not going to take that away from you. Instead, you will spend more time with the feelings fueling your anger. Rarely is letting your anger run the show required. You will be able to feel your feelings, including anger, but spend less time with your anger possessing you. 

By understanding your anger and addressing it, you will feel more secure. You will be able to spend more time focused on the present, what you are doing now, not what the future might bring. You will find it easier to deal with things that used to be so irritating. You will be able to express your needs to your loved ones. You will apply your extra energy to being productive instead of destructive. Instead of being aggravated much of the time, you will be able to relax. Most importantly, you will have more moments of peace.

By confronting the feelings under your anger, you understand them, accept them, and be more fully the person you want to be. Turning to face your feelings instead of converting them to anger will change your relationship with yourself. You will be the master, using a natural God-given power, instead of that power controlling you. My hope is that you will take this journey with me to find the peace you yearn for..