Counseling for Anxiety

Counseling for Anxiety 

Life comes at you and never stops. It is like carrying a bucket and life just keeps pouring water in as fast as you can drain it out. It is running ahead of an avalanche; stopping is not an option. For some of us, this goes beyond stress and leads into ongoing worry and anxiety. 

Agitation: “I feel Unsettled”

One of the biggest complaints I hear from people is they feel unsettled. This is never being able to fully relax. Nervous energy keeps you from being able to enjoy doing nothing. Even when things are going well, there can be the vague sense that it is all going to fall apart. It can feel like the moment you let down your guard, something bad is going to happen. Why can’t you just enjoy this moment, and instead are focused on what can go wrong? 

Putting Peace into the Future: “I will relax when I take care of that big thing”

There always seems to be the next thing to be worried about. Often the idea is “I can relax after”, with after being whatever the next big thing is. Of course, once that in the past, the next big thing is in the batter’s box and ready to be worried about. The sense that there is always something else to worry about means that you cannot relax. And if we are honest about it, there is always going to be something else to worry about. If you place your peace on the accomplishments of tomorrow, your peace will always be at least a day away. 

Constant worry: “I worry about everything”

Worry gives you the illusion of activity. If you worry about the details, it can trick you into thinking that you are doing something to solve or guard against a problem. While it does make sense to plan, if you have already planned for the next day, you know what you are going to do, why is it you are still thinking about it at 2am? This happens when you are using worry as a coping skill to avoid a deeper fear. It helps you feel like you have more control over things than you may have. Better to worry than to feel out of control. This “solution” to dread becomes is own problem.

Excess Energy: “Why can’t I sit still?”

Related to worry is excess energy. An actual physical agitation that comes from a revved up nervous system. Maybe you bounce your leg, tap your fingers, or even need to pace. This can be disruptive to yourself and to others. All that extra energy is at its worst at night, when you are trying to sleep. It can be hard to just calm your body down and rest. Your anxiety literally keeps your body active and ready. 

Always Thinking: “I can’t shut my thoughts off!”

The other big thing that happens at night with anxiety is not being able to stop your thoughts at night. All day you have successfully distracted yourself with work, with activities, with TV and internet. Now it is time to sleep. Now all those anxious thoughts you have spent the day keeping shoved aside can play in your non-distracted mind. Now it is time for them to romp through your brain when you want to rest, like a kittens with the night crazies. Sleep comes dearly, when you are so exhausted by your thoughts you cannot stay awake. 

Lack of Concentration: “I just cannot keep on task”

Anxiety makes concentration more difficult. Trying to focus and stay on task can be interrupted with the intrusive “what if’s” you have about the future. To concentrate, you have to be on task now. Anxiety can take you down the rabbit hole in a flash. You work one task, only to remember another that will need your attention. You cannot feel settled until you address the task making you anxious and then two hours later, you return to the actual duty at hand. Your attention is always pulled towards whatever you are worried about. It is not the squirrel who is distracting; it is the big sign his is carrying telling you the end is nigh! 

Future Focus: “I cannot be present”

Anxiety is a primarily a future oriented way of thinking. It is not about the moment, it is about what the next moment, the next day, the next week or even longer might bring. As a human, you can time travel in your mind. You can plan for the future and prepare. This a wonderful power, but like anything powerful, it can be used to your detriment. Being focused on the “what ifs” means you are not focused on what is happening to you right now. Sometimes this might even be a form of pre-nostalgia, where even though right now you are having a good time, you know it will end and you put yourself into that future instead of enjoying the present. Anxiety robs you of your ability to truly be in the moment, because it reminds you the moment will pass.

Analysis Paralysis :“What if I make the wrong choice”? 

You are worried about making the wrong decision. In order to make the right decision you need information. More than that. A lot more than that. In fact, is there every enough? The problem here is cannot ever be 100% sure you are making the right call. Sometimes leaning on others advice can help, but really, what do they know for sure? Maybe check one more thing. Maybe just one more. You have to get this right. 

Anxiety and Panic Attacks: “I am overwhelmed by anxiety!”

The core of anxiety is the activation of our fight, flight, or freeze system. It is connected to the more primal emotions of fear. If this is mostly activated, you have an anxiety attack. If it is fully activated, you have a panic attack. In both cases, your experience is being under significant threat. With a panic attack, your nervous system is registering as if your life were in danger. It is one of the worst experiences you can have. When you have panic attacks, you will change your behavior to avoid them. This often means you start avoiding instances and places where you think you might have them. Your world shrinks. Less and less places feel safe. The fear of a panic attack becomes the driving force in your life. 

Social Anxiety: “What if I look like a fool? What if I get hurt?”

Social anxiety is more common today than ever. Coming out of the pandemic and shut-downs, many people lost social skills. If it was hard to reach out to others before the pandemic, it was even harder for you when the social constraints relaxed. Screwing up a social interaction takes on the proportions of a significant threat, even with, or especially with, strangers. The fear of looking stupid, looking ignorant, or even just unsure becomes overwhelming. Risking the emotional pain of social interactions feels as dangerous as risking sticking your hand into the mouth of a lion. 

Disconnected from others: “I cannot connect to loved ones.”

Anxiety gets in the way of connection. When you cannot be present in the moment, you cannot meaningfully connect with someone else. You are too inside your own head, thinking about what you are going to say next instead of the person in front of you. Or worse, you are not thinking about the conversation at all, but work tomorrow, or graduation of the kids in May when it is Christmas. You have heard nothing being said to you. You may play video games or doom scroll on your phone just to try to blank your mind out to be numb. While this is some level of relief, it only drives being isolated, and ultimately, alone with your anxiety. 

How do we fix this? 

Does any or all of these feel like your challenges? If so, there is something you and I can do together. People come of me for therapy, scared, agitated, worried and wanting to make a change. We will work on new skills and strategies to manage your anxiety day to day. We will explore your individual past and how you became who you are. You have built coping skills to give you a sense of power, a sense of place, and a sense of value. I will help you understand how these skills have worked for you in the past to get you to today. We will examine how they are not working as well for you today. With understanding you can choose what you want to do differently in your future. 

Your anxiety has a purpose: to keep you and those you care about safe. As miserable as it feels, your nervous system and brain are in overtime to be protective from danger. I will help you learn to listen to your anxiety instead of being overwhelmed by it. We are going to invite it to sit in the passenger seat instead of it grabbing the wheel. When you have tried to suppress your anxiety, it has only grown louder. And why not? We all get louder when we feel unheard. By learning to pause, to take time to hear what your anxiety has to say, you can understand what is making you feel unsafe. 

We will look into your sense of security, sense of place, and sense of meaning. Understanding and connecting with the underlying fears fueling your anxiety will allow you to address those fears directly. I will help you learn that you are safe. I will help you to understand the things you have control over and those that you do not. For those of us who like to be in control to feel safe, this can be a huge challenge. It was for me. 

None of this is going to be easy. I can promise you will be uncomfortable. Confronting the things that make us afraid is difficult and scary. You have run from feeling anxious and here I am promising you that we are going to dive into your anxiety and explore it. You do not have to do this alone. I will be with you to keep you safe. As your therapist, I am there as a guide. I am not part of your family. I am not a friend. I stand outside your day to day life. You will have the opportunity to be open, vulnerable, and scared with me in a place with no moral condemnation, no castigation of weakness, and no judgement for anxious. I understand where you are because anxiety has been right behind me my whole life. I know what it is like to be asked to turn and face it. I also know the power that brings.

What does “better” look like?

The goals of dealing with your fears is to move from coping with symptoms to addressing their causes. We do not want to just manage your anxiety, but for you to not be anxious as often in the first place. By understanding the drivers below your anxiety, you have the option to be in the driver’s seat more of the time. Anxiety is a proper function of your brain to warn you of danger. We are not going to take that away from you. Instead, you will spend more time with anxiety in is proper place of being that alarm. You will hear the crashing of the waves and react accordingly, instead of being swept out to sea. 

By understanding your fears and addressing them, you will feel more secure. You will be able to spend more time focused on the present, what you are doing now, not what the future might bring. You will find it easier to make decisions. With less distraction, you will be able to stay on task and be more present with your loved ones. You will apply your extra energy to productive use instead of just trying to manage it. Instead of being unsettled all the time, you will be able to relax. Most importantly, you will have more moments of peace.

By confronting your fears and doubts, you can understand them, accept them, and be more fully the person you want to be. Turning to face your anxiety instead of running from it will change the nature of its power. You will be the master, using a natural God-given power, instead of that power controlling you. My hope is you will take this journey with me to face your fears and find the peace you yearn for.